Well. Not that I expect, or want, anyone to read this.....it is more for me, right?
I know a lot of people who say that writing, whether it is in a journal or on the computer, is therapeutic. As an English teacher, I also tell my students to write out their thoughts and feelings almost daily. I have had journals my entire academic life, or should I say, I have started journals quite often; never kept up with it. I have probably four right now in my nightstand (probably more in storage in the basement) but I can never keep it up. There are good intentions there; I do want to write in them, but who has time? I have bought beautiful ones; I love the look and feel of some of the journals - never use them. And when I have written in them, I look back and want to rip out all of the pages. Either I didn't like what I had written, I didn't understand what I was trying to say, or it was just too painful to revisit that part of my life again.
However now, I don't think I have much of a choice. At this point in my life I have to write it down, because there is no other outlet for my thoughts. No other way to get out the words I am so desparate to have someone hear. The stories, the events, are pounding on the front of my brain begging to come out, dying to get out and be heard. Have you ever felt like you have so much to say, so much you feel HAS to be said, but you know no one is listening. That you are standing on top of a mountain, screaming at the top of your lungs "DO YOU HEAR ME?????" and no one responds? Or those words that you so desparately need to shout out, seem so unrealistic, so strange, so surreal and dreamlike, no one would believe you even if they did listen?
My life isn't exactly what I would have pictured it to be. I guess that is kind of a common thought, right? Let me stop there and point out that I have a tremendous, I mean tremendous amount in my life to be so grateful for. I have three beautiful children. And when I say beautiful, I mean both inside and out. They are kind, sweet, loving, generous, and the center of my universe. They are the best of me - even better. Part of my heartbreak lies with the guilt I feel in how the choices that I have made in life will affect them. I want nothing more than a loving, prosperous and healthy life and future for my children. While I have shielded them from my many frustrations lately, all of these challenges are taking their toll. That genuinely breaks my heart.
If we had any idea what our future would be, exactly, would getting there be the adventure it should be? What is that line, its the journey not the destination? We are supposed to enjoy the ride, take in all life has to offer us; use our tragedies as learning experiences, our failures as lessons. You know what I have to say to that?
Enough with the life lessons already.....
My brother, who I love dearly (and yes I mean that), keeps telling me life is unfolding exactly as it should (from the poem Desiderata - which thank you dear brother I do read almost daily). If this is the way my life was supposed to be then enough already. How many life lessons do I need to have? How many tests of my strength as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee, do I need to endure until I get to the point where I can breathe? When can I go through one day, just one day, where my loyalties, patience, and love isn't tested?
...breathe...
I am lucky. I have far more than most. I have the love and support of family and friends. In that regard, I am truly blessed. I know that. I think of that everyday, I remind myself of that everyday. I have an amazing family, great home, good job (doing what I love to do - shock!), and wonderfully supportive friends. Who am I to ask for more, right? The other stuff, the "stuff" that motivated this writing - that.......well lets just say I hitched a ride on a hurricane and I am waiting for the rainbow.
Okay. That was enough of that for today. Time for a class of wine. Wish me a peaceful sleep, please.
